21 Apr SPICE UP YOUR LIFE
or… ‘Don Stubbs and the Spice Girls’
If you wanna be my stubby, you gotta get with my beer
Cool drinks last forever, quality triple-stitch printing brings you cheer…
Oh, don’t mind me, I was just singing one of my worldwide smash hit songs. Yeah, that’s right, I was a member of the Spice Girls – and a bloody cute one, just quietly.
Back in the mid-90s I was working as a barman in London and these young lasses would roll in and moan about how their girl group wasn’t taking off. I asked them to show me what they had, and they started screaming and throwing stuff around and acting like dills. Their act was a load of rubbish, but I saw potential in those young ladies, so good ol’ Stubbsy decided to help them out.
I came up with a few ditties, choreographed some killer dance moves, and even stitched together tight-fitting vinyl outfits. An experience with a particularly feisty vindaloo inspired the group’s spicy name, and we were ready to go. I rounded up the girls to deliver the news in a quick and hassle-free way, much as I now deliver my legendary stubby coolers. They were very impressed by what I showed them, of course.
Sadly, they weren’t able to fully grasp my brilliant dances, so there was only one option – I had to become the leader of the band. Taking the name Stubby Spice, I led Posh, Scary, Sporty and Baby to worldwide fame and fortune. We played to packed stadiums, had fans on every continent, and ushered in a new era of girl power. I even taught Posh’s boyfriend how to kick a soccer ball – funny little bloke, I hope he’s doing well for himself.
Eventually my addiction to quality stubby coolers caused a rift in the band, and one night as I was feverishly packing an order of custom-printed stubby holders for a bloke in Penrith, the other Spices gave me an ultimatum; the band or the coolers. I wished them the best of luck, then went back to carefully loading the stubby coolers. Ah well, Ginger Spice probably looks better in a skintight Union Jack mini-dress anyway.